No, people don’t leave because they’re bored, or because they need a change, or because they’re really excited about this new company. They leave because you suck. Yes you. You suck.
Your people leave because hell will freeze over before they get a promotion. TITLES ARE FREE BITCH. The fact that things aren’t going well financially and there’s just no money for raises is completely fucking irrelevant. Titles are free. Give your people a goddamn promotion you worthless little shit.
Here’s what you tell people when you can’t even swing a fucking (FREE, IT’S MOTHERFUCKING FREE) title upgrade: “I don’t give a shit about you or your career. If you could do better than a worthless little shit like me you would have already, so go fuck yourself.”
“Buh buh but you don’t understand, I can’t give my people new titles without my boss’s approval.”
Go and fucking get it! Make yourself useful for once in your miserable life you pathetic fuck. If you can’t even get your best developer a goddamn title, what fucking good are you? No seriously, what the fuck are you good for? It’s obviously not management or you’d get your shit together and fucking manage.
One of the things that keeps developers on shitty teams is (misplaced) loyalty, but even the most irrationally loyal developer will eventually ditch your sorry ass if you work hard enough to prove that your team is where careers go to die. This may come as a terrible surprise to the kind of ineffectual little bitch who can’t even get their best devs a fucking title, but that dev you’re busy shitting on? They have friends. Friends who will tell them they can do better. Friends who get promotions. Friends who get raises. Even if they’re the kind of socially isolated obsessive nerd you drool over, they have access to the fucking internet, dumbshit. I promise you if they can figure out how to use an API, they can fucking google “average developer salary x years of experience.” And don’t forget recruiters. If your devs have any fucking presence on Linkedin at all, they will get spammed consistently by recruiters. Most of those recruiters have no idea what they’re doing, but you know what they are good for? Convincing people that your career graveyard is not the only game in town.
Unless they live in the ass end of nowhere, any dev who can write a fucking for-loop by themselves can get another job. You need to get up off your ass and give them a reason to stay. You know what’s a good reason to stay? FUCKING CAREER ADVANCEMENT.
Yes, getting a new job sucks. Don’t pretend it sucks more than you do. When you hit the point where not even updating your resume, making time for interview after interview after motherfucking interview, jumping through ridiculous code test hoops and generally kissing ass until you get an offer is more of a pain in the ass than dealing with your shit, well, your people leave because you suck.
Don’t pretend that “I’m working on it” or “Maybe next year” will save your sorry ass either. Grow some fucking balls and tell your dev that you can’t do shit for them because you’re a worthless little bitch. Seriously, nothing is more pathetic than a manager who doesn’t even have the balls to admit they don’t give a shit about you. Just fucking tell your devs to go fuck themselves, they’ll respect you more. Not much, but let’s not pretend anyone actually respected you in the first place.
Yeah, it’s nice if you can work on shiny new projects with shiny new technologies. But you know why people really leave? BECAUSE YOU SUCK.